over the past weekend i visited and found something marvelously pathetic, juicy, and hilarious. "Lindsay's World" was this booklet compiled for a psychology assignment my senior year of high school. It was supposed to be a personal exploration of personality and identity, using the concepts we had covered in class. Of course the due date was perfectly timed a couple days after my long-term boyfriend dumped me, so what emerged was a fuckitalljustwritemiserableshit book. below are a few key passages....
(from the intro)
The contexts are fleeting glimpses of my mind and my life, a bird's eye view, almost. Sometimes it is dark, sometimes it's funny. The recollections contained are bittersweet for being gone, the happy times faded in memory, but persistent in emotional impact on me. The contents are tinged with the sadness of losing my flying partner, my bird of a feather, in the process of writing this. But I will fly on and survive, searching for a nest...
(from where did i come from?)
...I had this pair of moccasins that I wore everyday when I was five. They became worn out and small. ONe day, I found them sitting in the gabage can and I immediately fished them out, but my mom saw me and put them back. The next day, on Sesame Street, they showed what happens to gabage. It was compacted, possibly incinerated, and placed in a landfill. This made me cry...
Sophomore year, I met my (ex)-boyfriend, Patrick. We had so much fun togethe. I loved being with him so much. He is just so gneuine, and sweet, and smart, and cute, and wonderful. But then he went to college. Hmm, but the whole college year went by pretty well. But then on the first day he came back (4 days ago), he decided it would be a good idea to break my heart after two and a half years. Now I don't know what I"m going to do. This event has triggered constant unrelenting sadness in me. No matter what I do or where I go, I am constantly fighting tears. I don't understand why he did this. I can't deal with this. It's not fair to do something like this if it's not mutual. ANd whenever I think about last night when I had him come over so I could explain to him how i feel, I feel absolutely sick...
(from write a letter to someone, living or dead)
Dear Patrick,
I want to thank you for breaking my heart. I have so much stuff to do right now. I have this huge Psych project to do. But I can't do anything right now! I don't feel like doing anything....Two and a half years. You inspired me. You made me want to be a better person. Being with you was exciting and wonderful. Do you remember our first date?...writing in my yearbook that I was your favorite person of the female persuasion? Everything is shit now. All I can do is sit in my room, fidgeting, trying to crochet the rest of my blanket. The blanket is the only thing I can create, give life to.....Moving on, I have made the decision to keep your cds. I have enjoyed them. I think I deserve them. You have 600 more at home. I hope you realize what you've done. 2 1/2 years, Patrick. 2 1/2 years.
dead inside,
Lindsay
(from the poem "a triumphant song of myself in three parts)
1. My nanny once refused
a chicken sandwich because
she used to love a chicken and
her parents slaughtered it in Poland.
I'll never eat a dog or cat
Or little girl, my mother
Or my father. Even if it
means losing my job.
(from Where am I going?)
...I was planning on marrying Patrick. I thought we really had something special, but I guess I was wrong. Dead wrong. I thought we were going to have all these kids, and maybe convert to Islam because I like the way they treat women. The children Would have been name Omar Abdul and Patrick Mohammed, as well as Jasmine, like in Aladdin....more likely, i'll end up alone, maybe with cats. I will sit by myself in my small, dark, apartment, rocking back and forth....The only contact I will have with other living things will be my interactions with the cats. THese will consist of extremely detailed, involved conversations. I will call Patrick all the time and invite him over so I can explain to him how I'm feeling. A then I'll just start to break down and cry and lose it and feel completely hopeless and not want to do anything ever again. And he'll look at me and tell me he still loves me, but then why would break my heart? I would just keep asking him 'why?" over and over again. And he would say we're too different. ANd I would say, "but why does it matter if we care about each other?" but he wouldn't care, and there would be nothing I could do but sit there and tell him the same thing over and over again.......
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jubilant
quixotic
