andyorjenny

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:08:06 GMT

"Your kiss is on my list" is possibly one of the worst things you could say to anyone. Unless you are conditioning the person's aversion to you. Thank you, soundtrack of Savers Thriftshop. Thank you for polluting my mind.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:59:22 GMT

when it landed the cream cheese was face-up.

so where did my bagel pick up that pube between the top of the desk and the floor?

i need answers.

jokes, riddles, and limericks from a 1968 kids' book

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:21:04 GMT

Mother: Now, Willie, you must not be selfish. You must let your brother have the sled half the time.
Willie: But, Mother, I do! I have it going down the hill, and he has it coming up.
*
Diner: Do you serve crabs here?
Waiter: We serve anyone. Sit down.
*
Teacher: How many sexes are there?
Pupil: Three
Teacher: Three? Can you name them?
Pupil: Male sex, female sex, and insex.
*
Dad: If you're good I'll give you this nice new penny.
Lad: Haven't you got a dirty old nickel?
*
Skippy: Hey, mom, I got a hundred in school today!
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Skippey: In two things. I got forty in readin' and sixty in spellin'.
*
What word will make you sick if you take away the first letter?
(music)
*
What international catastrophe would be caused by a waiter who dropped a platter on Thanksgiving?
(It would be the downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, and the destruction of China.)
*

The grand finale

A cat in despondency sighed
And resolved to commit suicide.
He got under the wheels
Of nine automobiles,
And after the last one he died.

found at parents' house

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 23:36:53 GMT

over the past weekend i visited and found something marvelously pathetic, juicy, and hilarious. "Lindsay's World" was this booklet compiled for a psychology assignment my senior year of high school. It was supposed to be a personal exploration of personality and identity, using the concepts we had covered in class. Of course the due date was perfectly timed a couple days after my long-term boyfriend dumped me, so what emerged was a fuckitalljustwritemiserableshit book. below are a few key passages....

(from the intro)
The contexts are fleeting glimpses of my mind and my life, a bird's eye view, almost. Sometimes it is dark, sometimes it's funny. The recollections contained are bittersweet for being gone, the happy times faded in memory, but persistent in emotional impact on me. The contents are tinged with the sadness of losing my flying partner, my bird of a feather, in the process of writing this. But I will fly on and survive, searching for a nest...

(from where did i come from?)
...I had this pair of moccasins that I wore everyday when I was five. They became worn out and small. ONe day, I found them sitting in the gabage can and I immediately fished them out, but my mom saw me and put them back. The next day, on Sesame Street, they showed what happens to gabage. It was compacted, possibly incinerated, and placed in a landfill. This made me cry...
Sophomore year, I met my (ex)-boyfriend, Patrick. We had so much fun togethe. I loved being with him so much. He is just so gneuine, and sweet, and smart, and cute, and wonderful. But then he went to college. Hmm, but the whole college year went by pretty well. But then on the first day he came back (4 days ago), he decided it would be a good idea to break my heart after two and a half years. Now I don't know what I"m going to do. This event has triggered constant unrelenting sadness in me. No matter what I do or where I go, I am constantly fighting tears. I don't understand why he did this. I can't deal with this. It's not fair to do something like this if it's not mutual. ANd whenever I think about last night when I had him come over so I could explain to him how i feel, I feel absolutely sick...

(from write a letter to someone, living or dead)

Dear Patrick,
I want to thank you for breaking my heart. I have so much stuff to do right now. I have this huge Psych project to do. But I can't do anything right now! I don't feel like doing anything....Two and a half years. You inspired me. You made me want to be a better person. Being with you was exciting and wonderful. Do you remember our first date?...writing in my yearbook that I was your favorite person of the female persuasion? Everything is shit now. All I can do is sit in my room, fidgeting, trying to crochet the rest of my blanket. The blanket is the only thing I can create, give life to.....Moving on, I have made the decision to keep your cds. I have enjoyed them. I think I deserve them. You have 600 more at home. I hope you realize what you've done. 2 1/2 years, Patrick. 2 1/2 years.

dead inside,
Lindsay

(from the poem "a triumphant song of myself in three parts)

1. My nanny once refused
a chicken sandwich because
she used to love a chicken and
her parents slaughtered it in Poland.

I'll never eat a dog or cat
Or little girl, my mother
Or my father. Even if it
means losing my job.

(from Where am I going?)

...I was planning on marrying Patrick. I thought we really had something special, but I guess I was wrong. Dead wrong. I thought we were going to have all these kids, and maybe convert to Islam because I like the way they treat women. The children Would have been name Omar Abdul and Patrick Mohammed, as well as Jasmine, like in Aladdin....more likely, i'll end up alone, maybe with cats. I will sit by myself in my small, dark, apartment, rocking back and forth....The only contact I will have with other living things will be my interactions with the cats. THese will consist of extremely detailed, involved conversations. I will call Patrick all the time and invite him over so I can explain to him how I'm feeling. A then I'll just start to break down and cry and lose it and feel completely hopeless and not want to do anything ever again. And he'll look at me and tell me he still loves me, but then why would break my heart? I would just keep asking him 'why?" over and over again. And he would say we're too different. ANd I would say, "but why does it matter if we care about each other?" but he wouldn't care, and there would be nothing I could do but sit there and tell him the same thing over and over again.......

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 21:44:25 GMT

For a good time, consult this blog we've started. It's a collection of found stuff inside used books. the first entry is now up, and it features the first part of a gripping serial of pages from a long, depressing, heartbreak letter. ok....

http://found-in-a-book.livejournal.com/

efficiency and not sucking at life

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 18:52:41 GMT

work has been an emotional rollercoaster lately...by rollercoaster, i'm of course referring to one of those tiny dragon ones you might see for little kids at a county fair. but still, vertical displacement, eh? i just found myself pricing this book with a happy 93-rd b-day note. i got a little sad when, upon inspection, i realized it was totally unread. and then yesterday i received a phone call from this guy asking me to locate a book called "pleasing you is killing me," in self-help. i couldn't find it. kind of a downer, i think. i felt sorry for him.

to take my mundane tragedies outside of the work arena, i just started using this deodorant that was given away to me and it's seriously throwing me off. it seems to be the exact same scent as a past lover. wearing it makes me feel hurt. and depressed. sort of.

some wonderful karaoke went down yesterday. i'm really impressed with the karaoke skills with which the citizens of minneapolis are equipped. i will add it as a non-intersection on my minneapolis/ chicago venn diagram of the midwest. let's see what else may belong...let me know if i've missed anything

minneapolis-
lakeS
loads of greenways
people who say 'hot dish'
long gorgeous bridges
a better selection of summit
midwest sensibility

chicago
lake
feed (the restaurant)
people who don't say 'hot dish'
a better selection...of old style
midwest sensibility

cats 2007

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 08:14:49 GMT

sometimes the cat and i are just not on the same page....i mean, i know she loves to snuggle. and that she loves love, for that matter. but i guess it's more of what i want and when i want it. why can't she read my mind? just a good old snuggle, hey?

another old trip tchicago

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 07:42:15 GMT

the theme of my just-finished trip to chicago was TOGETHERNESS. please see the image below for an illustration. <img src=http://a400.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/77/l_64b41b4ebb50bd585f5406985476a917.jpg>
laura, dave, aleks, and i went to sears's portrait studio and spent a lot of money on these professional portraits. the photographer was sassy and awesome and she had loads of laughs throughout.

the trip also offered the coining of some relevant vocabulary, namely the 'girl boner.' it's totally obv what it means, but just think about how useful it is. also coined was the expansion of the use of 'boner' on its own. without 'girl' before it. 'that's so boner!' 'it would be pretty boner if you gave me a delicious tamale.' etc. it's basically the opposite of 'gay' as an all-covering, negative adjective.

staying at my parents' house presented me with the first tv i've watched in a while. aside from the obvious law and order that i took in, since it was playing on every channel and impossible to avoid (and since i'm effing obsessed with it), i watched a bit of miami vice dubbed into spanish. i found it somewhat curious that any misunderstandings or language barriers i encountered were never in any way integral to my understanding the plot completely, all-inclusively. also i learned that sexy women wore different clothing when miami vice was made. sexy women now would look at those outfits and say, "what was she wearingQ?!?!?!??!?" i'd imagine.

next, i figured out that the best way to explain or understand my mother is to just acknowledge and accept the fact that she was invented by tennessee williams. she told me this story that she was really proud about. it pertains to the red cat sweatshirt aleks wore for the portrait. apparently mother made it with puff paint and fabric scraps along with 3 others, one for my father and ones for sally and jim, our formerly married, family friends. apparently the four of them went into bloomingdale's together wearing this matching couples' kitty christmas sweaters. my mom said that she was pulled aside. was she in trouble? did they think she had stolen something? no. they wanted to pay her for her sweatshirt designs! but she turned it down. because the whole thing actually happened.

to return to the theme of togetherness, it was really wonderful to spent time with some of friends from chicago. however, for the third time, aleks turned down my request to rent a tandem bike together and get ice cream! i'm pretty convinced she never will. i just want to be on a tandem bike for 1 hour and have ice cream at some point during that. why is it so hard to find a mate in this pursuit? i still love aleks sooooo much anyway.

to conclude this trip, the ride back was a bit of a hell-ride. the weather was enormously treach and construction popped up constantly. all of these huge trucks kept on passing me during torrential downpour, sending clouds of water at me, decreasing the already-low visibility. for some reason, when i drive by myself, i always gravitate toward the most irrational thought patterns and it just kept on seeming like the wind and rain were sort of sucking me into the sides of these semis and that i was about to collide and intertwine with busty silhouettes on mudflaps. but i made it in one piece.

<img src=http://a952.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/103/l_b134c4312db3644e6ad5d81db9c47117.jpg>

where pathetic meets embarrassing

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 21:56:04 GMT

while doing a little research about haiku, i stumbled upon something terrifyingly lame and shitty.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scifaiku

that is all.

mechanical inflexibility within the living

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 20:11:13 GMT

i'm pretty fascinated by these overheard conversations that seem to swallow themselves up. earlier today, i witnessed two young ladies jovially socializing while meandering on the street. what initially drew me into their discussion (as i sat smoking a few feet away) was this enormously enthusiastic laughter coming from them. so it seemed pretty typical that friends would make each other laugh. but then i realized that these ladies were in fact laughing in quotes and describing various laughs that they find themselves experiencing and the curious, sometimes inappropriate, contexts from which these laughters emerge. laughter for the strict sake laughter, or the discussion of it, i guess? i don't know what to make of it. it sort of made me wonder what actual content they may have in conversations that would elicit true laughter, not embedded in quotations. in conclusion, i'm kind of feeling like a cyborg about the whole thing. and maybe laughter gets destroyed when it swallows itself up, or when it is further demolished by the over-analysis of such swallowing.

in other news, i ate a delicious apple streudel today. it reminded me of the apelflaps (sp?) they sold at the train station in holland, and made me think about riding trains past dikes and windmills. carly, you know what i'm talking about.

this is my first entry in my yournal.

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 19:23:45 GMT

last night i drove from minneapolis to chicago by myself. hours stretched before me of rolling hills and lushness that tended to gradually flatten out as illinois neared. suddenly, though, as i began to pass through schaumberg (or barrington or something) the night sky got even bleaker and the scenery shifted into this dystopic wasteland vision in which strictly shades of grey lined canyons of purely functional structures. the only oasis, a restrained nod toward the uplifting, was a certain orange light i saw. i think it was a menard's sign. and then some kid dressed up like insane clown posse, standing on the side of the highway, flicked me off. just kidding about that last part. i'm already boring myself. but also thank you, carly and matt, my only two livejournal friends, for providing me with the majority of my soundtrack to this journey.